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Our Tongue-in-the-Cheek Take on V-Day for Singles

February 13, 2017


Valentine’s Day in bed, alone… GLORIOUS!

Every year droves of desperate, single people set out at the dawn of February to find dates, like it’s the stone age. We used to call this behaviour the evolutionary imperative and survival of the species. These days we call it FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Well, we’re here to tell you that it’s going to be alright. You don’t need to follow the other lemmings and fall headlong into love. Staying in bed this year on Valentine’s Day is the smart move! And we’ll tell you why…

First off, if you’re reading this blog at this late stage instead of feverishly browsing for restaurant reservations, you’re going to be curled up in the foetal position come V-day anyway. So you might as well be comfortable, in your own bed. This also means you can eat whenever you like and not at 23:15, which is the only reservation slot you’re likely to find. Best of all, no-one is going to see you streaked in chocolate and sleeping among the crumbs.

Second, it’s going to be a Tuesday! What good has ever come of a Tuesday? Really?

Thirdly, think of the money you’ll save! Somehow, losing two thirds of its total mass by being carved into an anatomically incorrect heart-shape triples the cost of a normal chocolate. And that’s before it gets subjected to the gooey, strawberry-cream enima no chocolate deserves and no-one really likes. The price of one-day-bloom flowers skyrocket. And if you were foolish enough to buy jewellery anywhere near February, you probably deserve the smoking crater in your pocket.

Now take a moment and consider what a cheap date you are… You won’t really be alone on Valentine’s day. You’ll be with your favourite bottle of … whatever the heck you like. No-one has ever crashed a bed before. And if you do manage it, don’t worry, beds are all one big airbag. And once you’ve picked yourself up, go out and buy yourself something nice with your savings and rub it in your couples-friends’ faces when you see them next.

In fourth place, this is probably the one evening where all your irritatingly happy couples-friends are NOT going to phone you up with some inane drivel you have to um-and-ah your way through for an hour. They’ll be too busy making awkward conversation and pretending they can afford that second bottle of expensive wine. Take the time veg-out. Catch up on your favourite series or finally finish that forlorn book. If V-day has its claws into you, que up a movie and spend Valentine’s with your favourite celebrity crush. You won’t even have to bother brushing your hair.

Fifth. Revenge! You can spend the entire evening in the comfort of your own bed hunting down pessimistic and inappropriate slogans and images deploring Valentine’s Day (and love in general) and send them to all your friends who are out on dates. We guarantee you’ll have a better time than they will.

Last but not least, luxuriate in the complete absence of Valentine’s Day stress! You don’t have to pretend to be interested in a single, boring thing another person is saying. You don’t have to feel judged for the mass produced (and probably flammable and/or asbestos containing) knicknack you bought as a gift. And best of all, you already know whether you’re going to go to bed with your Valentine or not.

Now doesn’t that sound nice?

Happy V-day, singles!


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